5%

This week, I'm spending a lot of time getting back on track with my eating and exercise. It's a little stressful, especially since I'm trying to finish up a work project before I go on vacation next week. I've also been reading a lot of blogs and websites that say you should set a small, obtainable goal to motivate yourself. Well, mine is 5% of my body weight. That's about 7 pounds, which doesn't seem like a lot, but considering how much I've fluctuated (and gained and gained and gained) over the past six months, I think 7 pounds is a reachable goal.

What's YOUR goal?

Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss

I admit it. I'm a big fan of weight loss shows, like the Biggest Loser. This summer, ABC started airing Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss, and I became intrigued. Remember when Extreme Makeover was all about facelifts, tummy tucks, and chin implants? Well, it's a bit different. Trainer Chris Powell spends a year with each person (they all are extremely obese) and tries to help them lose half of their weight. He's pretty amazing, mainly because he's so supportive of each person he deals with.

I've had a few episodes sitting on the DVR, and last night, we watched one featuring a man named Wally (http://abc.go.com/shows/extreme-makeover-weight-loss-edition/episode-detail/wally/811464). Wally was extremely obese, and while he reached his goal of losing 110 pounds over the first three months, he spent the next six months, slowly creeping back up the scale. It was really hard to watch for a few reasons. First, you could see the depression etched on this man's face as he realized he was "losing" his battles. Second, how often do you watch a weight loss show and see someone fail? On the Biggest Loser, those who "fail" to lose the most amount of weight are sent home, but we really don't get in depth with them as to why they are stuck. With Chris and Wally, we did.

Wally claimed to have a food addiction, and Chris treated him as an addict. Mr. Kiki and I had a conversation about this after the show was over. Mr. Kiki thought that food addiction is an excuse, that it was just an inability to control yourself with a pretty label put on it. I disagree. Unlike Mr. Kiki, I cannot have junk food in the house. if it's there, I want it. Chocolate in the drawer? Nope, it's in my tummy. Chips on the counter? Nope, that was my lunch. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a food addict, but I know that there are some things that I just can't control, some things that tempt me so much that I give into them readily. I know how "good" it tastes, and so I just want it. Right now. Is that food addiction? Who knows. All I know is that I hesitate to use that term because then it would mean (to me) that I have no self-control.

What do you mean "it's over"?

I got an email from Tina last week saying that bootcamp is over and that we need to come in for our final assessments. I set up a time with her for Wednesday, but, really, I don't wanna. I don't wanna. *stomps feet*

Why? Well, for literally the past month, working out has been the last thing on my mind. I got married; I went on a wonderful honeymoon; I taught class for the past three weeks, five days a week, three hours each day; I'm focused on getting my research back on track; we spent five days in Mr. Kiki's hometown due to a family emergency; we took a long weekend in Toronto to visit family and see a great concert.

We've been in town a total of 13 days out of the past 30.

I'm not looking for excuses. I'm looking to avoid finality. I'm avoiding standing on that scale in front of Tina and seeing that I've gained weight. I know all this. What I'm on is a journey... there are ups and downs, but it never ends. I just feel that this assessment is "final." Can't I keep working out with Tina? Can't I keep going to bootcamp? Can't I take all I've learned and just keep on keeping on? Does it really matter what I weighed in May vs. the third Wednesday in July?

Sigh.

Almost a whole month?!?!

Remember back in June when I said I was getting married? Well, I did. It was lovely and easily one of the best days of my life.

We also went on a week long honeymoon, where a lot of eating and drinking happened.

When we got back, I did a few training sessions with Tina, but that went by the wayside as we had to go home to Mr. Kiki's hometown as his grandfather passed away. By the time we came back, we had three days before we left to go to Toronto to visit some of my family and see Bono and U2 in concert.

Dear Tina...

I sent this email to Tina this afternoon after skipping bootcamp this morning.

****

I'm going to be very honest... this week is a nightmare. I started teaching my three week course today, I'm bogged under a ton of work left over from pre-wedding, and we have only one car this week (Mr. Kiki's is in the shop waiting on a part that might be in later this week) so I have to bring him to work every day as well.

I swear, I gained every bit of weight I lost between the wedding and honeymoon!!

Ta, Kiki

*****

Kiki,

Do not worry!!! I know you will bounce right back. Do NOT let stress defeat you! I will see you tomorrow at 8am..hang in there woman!!

And that, folks, is why I love my trainer.

Where am I?

I'm getting married on Saturday... so, I'm a bit distracted. I'll be back in two weeks, post-honeymoon.

Ice ice baby

I'm kicking ass with my workouts this week. Monday morning, I joined the boot camper only group exercise, Tuesday evening, I did the open boot camp class, and then on Wednesday and Thursday, I worked out with Tina one on one. Today, I totally kicked ass by doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred Levels 1 and 3. I've heard from multiple sources that Level 2 is harder than Level 3, but after my workout today, I'm not sure if I believe that :) I think I might try Level 2 tomorrow, although I might hate myself for it.

As a bigger girl, I am frightened of a lot of health issues: hypertension, diabetes, infertility, etc. But the one thing that I've seen time and time again in my family are knee issues. My aunt has had both of her knees replaced by the time she was in her mid-50s, my cousin who is in her late 40s is a candidate for knee replacement, and of course, knee stress is a huge by-product of being overweight. So, on Tuesday night, when I walked out of boot camp with my knee killing me, I was worried and stressed. Did I just hurt my knee? Can I keep going with boot camp? What should I do with Tina on Wednesday, since I had a 1-on-1 with her? I went home, iced my knee, took some Advil, and called it a night.

The next morning, Tina was sympathetic. She told me that knee pain is normal when you're working hard, and even she needs to go home and ice her knees at night and pop a few pills before bed. Teeny tiny Tina? I don't believe it. She had a lot of cardio planned for us on Wednesday, and she gave me the option to modify for my knee, but I pushed through it, and luckily, no more pain. Thursday's 1-on-1 with her was killer. I specifically requested that we do more weight training, but that was a mistake. It was way harder than any cardio (except those asshat burpees... yes, I hate them) she threw at me on Wednesday.

I really like Tina. Yes, she works me hard, and sometimes I refer to our workouts as "beatings" but she's different than what I thought she'd be. When we first started working out, I thought she would just be this skinny little blonde chick who was doing this because she had to. One thing I hate/am afraid of is people judging fat/obese/overweight people because of how they look. I don't know why I thought Tina would be like that, but I did. She's the complete opposite. She knows that we're there to work, she is a great motivator, and she's honest. She never gives me something that I can't do, and if I need to take it down a notch, she doesn't shout in my face, Jillian style. She trusts me to do what I need to do, and I trust her to help me down this path.

What's on board this weekend? Well, more "boot camp" style workouts. Between Jillian's 30 Day Shred and The Biggest Loser/Bob Harper's Boot Camp videos, I think I have enough to tide me over until Monday morning.

There is no crying in bootcamp!!!

As I go to different group workouts associated with the bootcamp, I'm starting to recognize a few faces. This morning, though, there was one girl who I didn't recognize, and I had to laugh when Tina told this girl not to cry, because she always looked like she was about to. I took one look at her and, yup, indeed, this girl looked like she was about to cry. Sure, what we do in boot camp is hard, you hurt, you breathe heavy, you sweat, you groan, but dude... you don't CRY.

Remember Rule #1 of the Biggest Loser? Have you ever seen Jillian eat someone up and spit them out for crying in the gym because it was "too hard"?

Throughout the workout, I heard this girl complain about how she "couldn't do" certain moves (to which Tina said, "oh yes you can"), how her arches hurt (mine did too, but they usually do when I get dehydrated... what a weird manifestation, right?), how she couldn't run (I can't either, but shut up and do it), etc. And I swear, SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS THE WHOLE TIME.

I wonder about people. What makes you sign up for a program called Bootcamp, which you know is going to work you to the core, to help you achieve some goals that you yourself set, and then think it's going to be a walk in the park? I'm easily 10 years older than Ms. Cryer, my knees are killing me, my body aches, and yet, I go back for more.

Shut up and fight like a girl.

The Hangover

Mr. Kiki and I were traveling this weekend for a friend's wedding that was nine hours away from our home. Luckily, my hometown happened to be the midpoint for that trip, and we were able to spend some time with my family, which usually leads to some crappy eating. Throw in the wedding, and...

Friday: Philly steak sandwich and onion rings at a local pub

Saturday: Mom's homemade spaghetti and meatballs with some awesomely fresh bread

Sunday: (at the wedding) another Philly steak sandwich, baked potato bar, cookies, cake, cotton candy, and I don't know how many Malibu and diet cokes...

Sunday: Oh, yeah, Melting Pot

I know, I know, I make my own choices regarding food, and a lot of those choices weren't very good ones this weekend. But it's a holiday! And I was celebrating my friend's marriage! Somehow, looking back, those excuses just aren't good enough. So, I got back on track yesterday. My 6:15AM bootcamp workout helped too.

Breakfast: two eggs, two links of turkey sausage and a banana

Morning snack: some trail mix

Lunch: Faux buffalo wings (I love me some fake chicken...much better than a veggie burger!), carrots, and a jello 60 cal pudding

Afternoon snack: Chobani peach greek yogurt

Dinner: Italian turkey sausage (grilled up), asparagus, some mashed potatoes, and a scoop of 90 cal ice cream

I really wonder if people are starting to find a correlation between my boot camp adventures and the fact that I'm getting married in 16 days (!!!). Actually, I brought this up to my mom this weekend, and told her that bootcamp is going to extend past the wedding/honeymoon, and that I'm doing this for myself, to get healthy again, to feel happy in my body (which unfortunately, I do not right now), and not to try to lose 25 pounds in 2 weeks (which, duh, is not even possible). I'm a total stress eater, so if I can focus on not eating everything in sight for the next 16 days, eat healthier, and get my exercise in, I'll be a happy camper.

If there's one thing I learned from watching the Biggest Loser

It's not to complain to your trainer about how hard things are, how much you hurt, etc.

Case in point: I met Tina at 9AM yesterday morning for our first one on one session. She made me warm up on the elliptical for 10 minutes, and then put me through 4 minute circuits of various cardio (butt kicks, high knees, wall jumps) and strength (turtles, pelvic tilts, planks) moves. It went like this: 20 seconds on, 10 second rest for four minutes, and at the end of the four minutes, we moved from a cardio move to a strength move. The first, oh, ten minutes of this wasn't bad. Then she told me to do burpees. How do I put this?

Oh, HELL no. Tuesday's boot camp had me doing so many burpees, that I just couldn't do them. And while Tina agreed that burpees were the creation of the devil himself, she made me do a modified version of them anyhow.

While doing various moves, we chatted, she sipped water and watched while I sweated. She told me that I had good form, and I told her that I thought she was a liar (jokingly... maybe). Later on in the workout, she told me that she's glad that I wasn't a complainer, and that other people would flat out refuse to do things other than ask for an alternative, and by not complaining, she knew that I was here to work.

Uh, no. I've watched Biggest Loser for long enough to know that if you complain to your trainer about how you hurt, THEY WILL HURT YOU MORE. Out of love, of course :)

Towards the end of the workout, I was dying. I honestly never sweat so much before. The last 4 minutes was me alternating wall jumps for 20 seconds, rest for 10, plank for 20, rest for 10, back to wall jumps. That's when she totally caught me slacking and said "three, two, one does not mean STOP! If you do not hold this plank for the next 20 seconds, you'll have to do two more minutes." Needless to say, I held onto that plank in perfect form for dear life, past her count of "3, 2, 1" until she said, okay you're done.

That Tina is a beast. I have a huge bruise on my right knee (I'm guessing from those damned burpees), my whole body is sore (but mostly my glutes and hamstrings), and... I'm going back for more. Another boot camp class tonight, although Tina, not Frog Man will be leading it.

Pray that I can walk tomorrow :)

Trouty Mouth

Oh froggy lips... Yes, I love Glee. This season hasn't been as great as the first one, but Santana's ode to her then boyfriend's lips are what was on my mind last night at boot camp... because our instructor was, I swear, part frog. I've never seen someone jump so high!

From what I understand, the Fit Camp program is being run by two trainers: a female trainer (Tina) and a male trainer (Nick). Needless to say, I was expecting Tina when I walked into class last night, and instead, Nick was leading class. And he was indeed a maniac. After a quick warm up (jogging around the room, walking lunges, etc) he lead us through a few cardio/calisthenic circuits. Burpees, mountain climbers, 180 degree jumps... yeah, about half way through this section, I thought I was going to throw up, Biggest Loser style. No joke. We did some arms/weights (stuff I actually enjoy), and then he made us line up on the side of the room. We did some side shuffles, jumping squats (did I mention he liked jumping?), and the dreaded spider crawl.

I did the best I could, even though I couldn't make it through all the circuits, I went as far as I could. Nick didn't do what Tina promised, which was give some modifications for people who couldn't do the moves (hello spider crawl), and I actually heard some of the regular boot campers say that they didn't like what he was doing, and that Tina ran the class a little differently. Tina will be leading Thursday's class, so hopefully it won't be so bad.

Somehow, I was able to walk to my car, walk up the stairs to my apartment, and collapse on my couch for an hour before I was able to get up and shower. My legs felt like Jello, and I felt a little sore this morning, but I know that that just means that it's working.

Now off to personal training. Hopefully, I'll be able to walk after this morning :)

The first day of bootcamp!!!!

And I slept through my workout.

Yes, I am that awesome. Granted, today wasn't a normal morning. Mr. Kiki set the alarm clock for 5AM, as he had to drive two hours to a meeting this morning. So, I sent the alarm on my Iphone for 6:45. No problem, right? As always, I woke up when Mr. Kiki kissed me goodbye, and promptly fell back asleep. I had another hour to sleep, and my alarm was set.

That's when I had this weird dream about having to go to this work meeting, except, I was walking, I didn't know what time it was or what building it was in, and I kept calling and texting two of my work friends asking where it was, that I was going to be late, could they let the boss know...

And when I woke up, it was 7:15. The workout started at 7:30 and there was no way that I would be able to get dressed and over to the gym without being late. When I looked at my Iphone, I saw that I had set the alarm for 6:45PM, not AM. Ugh.

I decided that I'm going to head to the gym later, and put in 45 minutes on the elliptical and come home to do either the Biggest Loser Boot Camp video or (and I cringe as I suggest this) Level 1 of the 30 Day Shred. I may have missed my scheduled group workout, but that doesn't mean the day is a waste :)

Under Pressure

I'm pretty sure that my primary care physician thinks I'm a big cry baby. I actually found him when my real doctor was out on maternity leave, but I hadn't been getting many good vibes from her (she just didn't seem to listen, which to me, is important in a doctor). What I liked about him right off the bat was that he really listened to what I had to say, including a meltdown where I cried in front of him about tenure, getting journal rejection after journal rejection, and how I just felt stuck at this job... and especially how I felt guilty about taking time to work out when I should be working.

I came across this interesting study yesterday on another blog built by people in my profession. It claims that assistant professors who are seeking tenure are more likely to cut their exercise time. This quote really hit home: "For assistant professors, the problems are more acute because they are 'aiming to be tenured [and] have reported higher levels of stress, negative physical health symptoms, and work-life imbalance compared to other professional workers as a result of their early career expectations.'"

Uh... yeah. This describes me to a T. As I near my critical year (which is just about 18 months away), I am a nervous wreck. High levels of stress? Ha. A daily occurrence. Negative physical health symptoms? Other than regaining half of the weight I had lost, let's talk about my hypertension as well. Work-life imbalance? Please feel free to ask my fiance about this... which of course, I feel horribly guilty about as well. I keep saying that I'll be up for tenure soon enough, but damn... this is a horrid time in my life.

My doctor advised me to stop waiting until my life "returned to normal". Sure, I'm under a lot of stress right now, and while that stress might leave my life soon, there will be other stresses and demands on my time in the future. I just need to change now. I guess I'm just glad to read this article and realize there are others out there like me.

Sizing Up

Monday afternoon, I had an appointment to meet my personal trainer who will be in charge of helping me out during my boot camp. Her name is Tina, and honestly, she couldn't be more than 22 years old. Sure, I go to the student rec center to work out, and of course, the rec is staffed by students who are athletic training majors, so this shouldn't be any surprise, but when she asked me to take off my shoes and socks to step on the scale/body fat machine, which was then followed by a "how old and how tall are you?" I was a little sheepish to admit that I was indeed 31 (it's been two months... is this the first time I've actually said that outloud?)

After having a "WHOA/Aha" moment on the body fat machine, she took me back to an office to fill out a few forms and to put me through a physical fitness test. It involved how many pushups I could do on my own (13, knees down... pathetic), how many situps I could do in 60 seconds (48, pretty good if I do say so myself), and how fast I could walk a mile (15:15, not too shabby, considering my short legs--- even Tina admitted that one!) Tina also took my measurements (ugh), and then I asked her some questions about the boot camp itself.

Boot campers have to commit to going to at least two group workouts a week (there are four scheduled per week) as well as having an hour long workout session with a trainer each week. I'm going to commit to making three of the four workouts, mainly because the Wednesday session is at 6:15AM... and there is no way that's happening. So, right now, I'm working out with the group on Monday mornings, and then Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and working with Tina on Wednesday. I am super nervous about the whole thing, which starts on Monday. Will I be able to make it through a workout? Are they going to want me to run? Will this all be worth it in the end?

Tina already told me that what I put into it is what I'm going to get out of it, so I just need to keep it all in perspective.

Looking back, looking forward

Over the past few weeks, I've realized that I've been living a lie. In my head, I was telling myself that over the past eighteen months, I regained 30 of the 70 pounds I had lost. I finally redid the math and realized that it was forty pounds. How does that happen? How does someone go from losing to gaining again?

Here's a little bit of background: in August 2007, I had a life changing event occur, and I realized that it was my time to do something about the weight that I had gained in graduate school. I couldn't even tell you how much I weighed at my highest. I didn't step on a scale, and I just didn't care. I started slowly, but by spring 2008, I was exercising regularly, eating well, and challenging myself: I started the Couch to 5K program, learned how to ride a bike (finally!), went rock climbing for the first time, and just pushed myself throughout summer 2009. Fall 2009 start out rockily: due to a family emergency, I spent close to two weeks driving between my hometown and my job (five hours each way) so I could be near my family. After that, the schedule I set up just fell apart. And since that time, I just didn't get my motivation back. I quit the gym, quit worrying about what went in my mouth, and just "enjoyed life".

How ironic, huh?

I'm at that point where I'm seeing a number on the scale that I never imagined would be staring back at me. I'm dealing with some health problems that I thought were behind me. I'm having to shop in the "women's" section of a clothing store rather than the "misses'" section (grrr... I promised myself that I would never set foot in a Lane Bryant again, and I haven't yet, but it's getting hard not to). Most of my clothes don't fit, and it's not a joy to go shopping because you *have* to get a larger size.

So, what am I doing about this? I decided to take this summer to regain what I lost. And maybe along the way, I can figure out what it was that I lost, because I cannot point to one thing to say "This is why my behavior changed." I've signed up for a "Fit Camp" at my university's gym. It's a little daunting, mainly because I'm guessing that most of the people who will be in this camp are a good ten years younger than me. I'm going for my assessment today, and starting next week, I'm obligated to go to two group boot camp classes and one personal trainer session each week. I'm hoping that this is what I need... a little structure, a little push, to get me back to where I was.